It's about to get real.

Real...what?

Real messy. Real vulnerable. Real unpasteurized.
I'm real undone.

Today is about process. I don't have a finished product to present, literally or metaphorically.

What I have here is me in a scared-shitless state of giving all I've got, while stepping onto this journey of real-life.

What this amounts to is me putting my heart and soul to work.
I've devoted a massive portion of my life to locating these back within my body to support my blood and bones.

I have a lot to lose. My self.
But product? I'm not so sure.
My substance is about process. The process which my art making is about--being a fully-living human.
I'm betting my life on it I've got enough of that to last me the rest of my days.
And I have faith it will get me where I want and need to be.

There appears my path beyond the yellow brick road...the dirt trail.
The undone dirt trail.

Are you in? Will you join me?
I offer no promises, other than I will keep showing up to see what comes next and next and next.
And when there is no next, I'll show up anyway, and wait.

I still don't know where this trail is going.
I never know what will come next in my studio.
And I don't know what will be made of me.
The truth is, I'm not sure I'd be interested in being here if I did.

I do know that I'll be creating, and when I create I'm bathed in light.
That light is my guide.

I'm willing to trust the process of being present every day. I'm willing to not give up when things get hard. I'm willing to listen, and let my intuition lead. I'm willing to reach out for myself and others when it's right.

I'm willing to not be alone.

It sounds basic, but I've never really done this before.

In my panic for survival I thought I had the answers.
I thought doing everything myself was the wisest way.
I never trusted. And light was terrifying.

I was a well-oiled machine, once upon a time, but stuck in the dark.

Then, piece-by-piece, without much movement and breath, I broke.
I broke in so many different ways, so many different times.
But eventually, breaks multiplied right where a lesion already was.

I almost died on the yellow brick road. It served it's purpose, but it's no place to be forever.

***

I hadn't anticipated this conversation tonight! I thought I was just showing up to share my studio process today. Now I am getting to that, and not looking back or else I'm likely to delete everything above this!

I typically complete most paintings in a single day, but today that didn't happen.

Somewhere in the middle of painting I decided to start taking photos during the process.
I can't even tell you why.
I think it was an intuition thing.

So here it is! Me and my painting today in all it's undone-ness!

1) This is the first photo I took in the process, already several layers in.
Unfortunately, I don't have a photo of the beginning of this painting, and the area that first interested me, which is in the space where the yellow is.
Initially, I started with red paint, and then removed some of it. That area that is now yellow took the outlined shape of an anatomical heart. I kept this area exposed as I added additional layers into the painting.
When I turned the board a different direction, the heart shape began to look like a wing shape.

Hard to explain in looking at this photo, which is why I should start taking more photos of my paintings in process!

2) You can see I filled in with more red, and added to it. The shape is taking the outline of a bird.

3) Added more to the background. Exploring the bird's environment, beginning to connect deeper with the emotional content/story of the bird. I think this is why I didn't finish this painting today. I spent a long time sitting in silent "conversation" with the bird. We're still not done talking. ;) Also, a little hard to translate this process in writing still! I will work on articulating this in the future!

4) This is the last photo taken, and where this painting currently rests. I began to add more into the background/environment. Added a thin wash layer of blue. This painting is nowhere near finished, and I will bring you along for the rest!

Much like me, I have no idea about the ending, but there is constant conversation in my mind about it. Even when I am not in my studio in the actual act of painting or creating I am thinking about it, "conversing" with it. This involves asking lots and lots of questions, with equal amounts of listening which, of course, can be the challenging (and fun) part!

But mostly, I'm craving to be back in front of of this piece having the conversation in paint!