It's hard to explain, but really looking at what I'm doing every day of my life is the hardest thing I've ever done.
I still can't put words to it, but this uncomfortableness has an addictive quality to it.
The days I come here and can't say what I really want to say, show me there's so much more in me. And though so much is left underneath and inside, I trust one day this life is going to dig its way up to the top. One day there will be a bloom.

***

I painted some today!
I had the urge to start a new painting, but then didn't feel like I had enough time to get it going.
So, I came back to the painting I've been with the past couple of weeks. It's getting closer to finished, but it's still in the "not yet" stage. Today, the "sky" in this painting appeared, and it brought some relief to the feelings inside me. The sky is dark, but it's not felt as negative. It is just felt.

The first and last images are where the painting stands today, at the time of this posting...
Click the image to see this painting in process. My studio cat, Sammy, found himself most comfortable in my lap while I painted today, so we make an appearance in the mix, too! We're all part of the painting in process.

***

Insights from the week:

* Throughout my days I began to notice, without giving too much merit to it, that I was focussing more outwardly than inwardly in my attempts to meet my "Focus" goal. I found my feelings to be a form of interference, and chose to almost completely ignore them in the name of progress.

*Due to pushing down my emotions, I am now dealing with push-back, which makes focussing (on anything!) harder than ever.

*I noticed that when I push away my feelings, I go through my days and behave as if they aren't there. The feelings stay, but become effectively numbed. The numbness then magically turns into blank despair, overwhelm and the threat of serious depression. (Chin scratch...I see, I see.)

*Disconnection = hurting.

*Even a relatively minor collision can amount to a whole lot of scary body pain, which is complicates already complicated feelings.

SO, What I am learning through this week's experiences:

*There is more than one way, and place, to focus, daily. Neither is more important than the other. (Internal/External focus)

*I can't be an effectively focused person unless I can balance the internal and external, and attend to both. Maybe not at the same time, but eventually...like probably within 24 hours.

*Pushing away feelings does not make them go away for very long in any real way. For years, I was convinced, otherwise.

*Focussing in the wrong place is an incredible defense mechanism!
I am able to see how people (myself included) can get things so wrong sometimes. If nobody pointed out the obvious, but more painful, big-picture reality, I might be hauling around town in my car with only 3 wheels right now because I couldn't find a single scratch on my door.
Funny, but disturbingly true!

*I have more growing to do than I thought.

*There might be better methods to aid in my growth than ones I've used, on a daily basis, in the past.

*I learned somebody can mess up, take responsibility, and not blame me for it simply because I exist and was there for them to run into. (The collision on Thursday.)

Take Aways from the week:

*Needs: more sleep, connection, time management/schedule planning

*Life is a mysterious, magical, heartbreaking, painful and beautiful, sometime all at once. It's ok to not have it figured out immediately, or maybe ever, because some things are actually meant to just be felt, lived and loved.

*No more drama.

*Don't give up.

Weekend Contemplations/Celebration:

*Explore what effective self-care looks like, personally. Honor my journey of "Showing Up."

*Sit with my feelings for at least 30 minutes, sometime within 48 hours, without evaluating them. No tidying.

*Trust the pain will move through and out of my body. When it doesn't move out immediately, trust it over and over until it does. It will.

*Take an evaluation break.

*Breathe

*Let my body be emotive.