Dear fellow Renegades,

(I'm liking how we've transformed into Renegades now. How are you feeling about this?)

Sometimes self-care can be exceptionally exhausting.

It goes along with other things like recovery, healing, and growth, that while needed and craved for, can, by the end of the day, also lay you out.

Today's self-care focus was spent on a date with myself at NCECA's (National Council on Education for the Ceramic Arts) annual clay conference. I even wooed myself with an early birthday present; a clay mug from Missy Steele (and you can find her here too!) It jumped right into my hand. I had to bring it home.

It might have appealed to me because it has the words "fight for it" engraved into it, arrows, and a lady giving "the finger," but relatively discreetly, I might add, even if she was only wearing lingerie.

I don't know what the total intended message was, but I connected with "fight for it" because I saw that first, and then explored the rest of the mug. The "bird" is what sold it! ha!

I find the the phrase, "Fuck It!" to be magic words on this trail. So, the design had a good hook for me.

Sometimes I feel that way. I'm not sure what "that way" is, in words. That's why there are hand gestures on mugs for it, anyway, right? Words aren't always necessary.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
Self-care can leave you in need of even more self-care.
It takes effort.

Going to a big conference downtown, in a place I'm not familiar with, was overwhelming.  But I signed up for it months ago because, obviously, I wanted to be there. I've wanted to attend this conference for years, but couldn't afford it until I ended up lucky enough to have it held in my hometown.

Still, I wanted to break down and cry for at least the entire first hour I was there.
I just wasn't feeling it this morning.
I was tired, emotionally fragile from recent work I've put into recovering from deep trauma in my life, and in general, feeling small. This morning, I hadn't yet come out on the other side where I feel badass, like I can take on the world.

Imagine a 4 year old walking around downtown, alone and unassisted.
That was me on the inside.

So, maybe that's why I gravitated toward the mug I ended up with, out of 100's of far milder versions available, today?
I needed some inspiration toward connecting with my inner badass.
And I found it!

I skipped away (figuratively, not literally, my back is still a wreck!) with a higher kick to my step after that purchase.

The rest of the day was nothing ventured-nothing gained.
I said "F-it" and went forward, anyway.
I had to fight for it.
The "it" today was confidence, connection, and healing.
And, I'm tired.
Tomorrow, I'm returning to the clay conference, and want to be good date material, so I'm going to have to call it a night soon, crank up my earbuds and drift off with East Forest. I still haven't gotten enough of them.

It seems self-care comes with a lot of work. I always think that's weird. How much work it takes. Maybe it's why a lot of people don't take care of themselves very well.
Self-care isn't what you think it is.

It's not about laziness, or self-centeredness, in the negative.
It's about holding yourself through life. Sometimes being in touch with those places that need contact and holding hurt a whole lot. Especially when you finally reach out to take care of them, after they've been abused or neglected so long.

Self-care is not for the faint of heart.
It's like non-optional heart surgery that can, ironically, only be performed once you're strong enough.

So. Weird.

So I'm working on going gentle with myself.
Even allowing that gentleness, that grace, is not easy.

Not easy, but time.
I'm ready.
Even if I still need help here and there.
I'm here and ready.
Showing up, everyday, and still breathing.

I know I'm not alone in this.
If you're here, breathing with me, no matter what, you have something to be proud about.
You have kept yourself living, and that, in itself, can be quite a feat.

You're a badass, breathing self-care renegade, and don't forget it.

From my mug, to yours.
Or your mug to mine.
Or however that works out!
Fill up your cup, and drink!
Cheers!