Change can take the course of many seasons, not all of which are named "Change" on the timeline of life. I'm recognizing a lot of seasons of change are actually undefined.
Change is actually the everyday average.
Change can't be ordered by the church calendars, social calendars or even monthly calendars.
Life has it's ways and it does what it will.
My birthday was this week.
I'm not "there" yet.
I'm 35, but not really. I don't feel 35 and I don't fit the chart of what 35 is "supposed" to be. And word is on the streets that a lot of other people out there don't really identify with this number. Whatever particular number it is they are assigned at any given time.
We aren't numbers. But we are numbers. It sometimes feels like we are weights and measures at all times.
These measures start before birth. We're categorized before we take our first breath on a myriad of different charts in our modern world...We're supposed to be the size of a pea and then an orange and now an eggplant. Dear God, what if at our scheduled checkups we're more a cantaloupe?
Where does it end?
Yeah, I know there's logic and reason to it and all these values are sometimes necessary for analyzing and identifying some successes and growth. And maybe using an in utero example is asking for upset or confusion in the house. But truly, expectations of who we are supposed to be and look like at specific given times start at a very early age.
What about when these measures aren't necessary?
What about when you're 35 but you're not? Not according to the charts, anyway.
There seem to be charts somewhere for what every age is supposed to look like. I respect the established theories of human development, but that's not even what I'm really talking about. I'm talking about the real people inside those charts.
What if the really gifted stay 3 in some ways forever? Who is to say? There are some really articulate, skilled, generous 3 year olds out there who are good judges of character with astounding problem-solving skills wrapped in an unassuming, fair delivery! I'd say I've experienced some pretty educated, yet warped, 65 year olds who consider themselves quite evolved.
What are these more elusive but strictly governed charts of civilized life? Maybe the charts are all wrong!
I don't know. I'm not a scientist. I'm not a psychologist (you can take a deep breath of relief, and just enjoy now,right?) I'm not even a philosopher. I'm nobody really. I'm just this woman, in transition from one place to another. Hopefully, I guess.
Does it mean I am striving to achieve an accepted "After" or box to fit into by majority rule?
Maybe not anymore.
I don't know the way time will change me, or if I will have any impact on time. I think it will; I think I will. But I can't assume, these days, even if I strive and strive and strive from now until my last breath in material form. I have thrown many years of heart and soul into personal advancements, most of which have not yet come to be.
All I know is that this too shall pass.
And there is so much more to living and to thriving and being successful as a human even if I stay my version of 35 for the rest of my days.
I feel like I live in a world of "before" and "afters." The internet is filled with them. They get lots and lots of likes. I never quite find the place I fit. And I always have this feeling I don't really have the approval of people around me. I never quite land on a reference point. And I feel very alone.
The idea I encounter is, "If you worked harder you'd be somewhere you're not now."
"If you only had more focus, more fortitude, more industry....you'd be here or here or here where we expect you to want to be and where we might consider accepting you."
And how does everyone know that's where you want and need to be? Charts.
Whose charts are these? Where did they originate? If we stop and really think about it do we even know or care where the damn charts are even leading most of the time? There are more to charts, like the intricacies of the lived experience going on within and around us. The details matter.
Instead, success is often viewed through deadlines, appearances, solid locations. Boxes.
Lame gauges. Nobody is really paying attention.
I feel as if I haven't reached many of the places and measures society seems to expect of me.
More organic truth holders exist, perhaps, if we go looking for those groups or those signifiers. But more middle ground feels scary. It's not so certain. Middle ground can go so many different ways and directions. It's open and unpredictable, left to interpretation. So we dress ourselves up in Before and Afters, even though we clearly aren't rockin' in.
Things fit too small or too big. We cram ourselves into places and positions, or on the flip side, we get lost in the space around us. Lonely, wandering, in a void.
We aren't before's and afters, friends! We're transitioners. We're changers. We're journeying.
It's freaking hard sometimes! It can be challenging to make "hard/struggle" look good or approachable unless it's " Hollywood." Dressed up. A little bit removed from the average. Often, real hard stuff has to be gussied and smoothed over to be looked at. And and the world will barely accept hearing about it even from the most academically educated researchers.
So the chances this blog post will make a difference or be heard are slim, but I write it anyway, because it's my birthday (damit) I'm celebrating! I put it out there to try connect with and understand life better.
I think the truth is that what is average is plain hard. The real average holds a place for what is different.
And I want to own my average proudly.
I want to celebrate my change.
My Life. My Not Here or There.
The unboxed, unprocessed process of my days.
The good and the ugly. The beauty and pain of it.
All I have to offer you is my average and I give you my all.
Windblown, muddy and a bit tattered from life on the trail.
Sun drenched, sprouting, filled with color off the charts.
It is my life and it is enough.
Forever enough...and beyond.
