Title: Hell, And All I've Left Behind

24" x 24" on wood, Acrylic and Oil

(This is my painting I shared about on Wednesday!)

The playlist I listened to while painting was:
Band: Cloud Cult
1) No One Said It Would Be Easy
2) Chain Reaction
3) You'll Be Bright
4) Blessings
5) Complicated Creation
6) Take Your Medicine

***

I don't even know what to say. To be without words seems like nothing new, but since I've started consistently showing up, my life is changing.

Walking the walk is treating me well!
It's almost as good as believing that things can change and waking up to something different!

Being present can be extremely painful and complicated, but I'm beginning to see it has comparable benefits on the flip side.

I feel it, and I know these changes are real, even when I have back steps!

I'm learning to pay attention to my feelings.
Especially ones like these that have no name, and leave me speechless.

If I had to guess my feeling today, it would be Awe.

Something is forming in me, being made and readied.
It's like something that's been inside of me forever, but couldn't develop and grow.
Or something fully formed, but disowned.

It's form filled a coffin the shape of a universe.

***

Just two days ago, I shared about my relationship with the hated girl in a poem titled, "A Love Story." She is the thriving child filled with energy and life who has been terrorized and trapped within me.

Well, today I believe Love can grow skin back on her fingers, strengthen her bones, cure our plague and help us meet in the middle where we get busy fleshing out this journey for all the beauty it holds, and for all the safe connection meant to surround it.

Even where it hurts. Especially where it hurts.

This is the change I am talking about. The new steps I am taking every day.

I'm earning my Brave with the help of others along the way.

***

There is still so much I don't know, and miles yet to travel, but I'm certain I have not come to this place on my own.

My favorite band, Cloud Cult, (but of course!) just released their highly anticipated album today titled, "The Seeker," and I got to listen to it for the first time ever, truly not alone, in an unveiling party! :)

I'm so grateful for the experience of not being alone while connecting to Cloud Cult's message.
It meant the world to me. Living connection helped plant color into a hole, which before was only filled with the limited acceptance of black and white words that said I mattered.
So maybe I really never have been alone.

Tonight I am not lonely, numb, or at war.
Presently, I even feel at peace with the Great Unknown.

I'm ready to be a little more graceful toward my heart, and the hell I've given myself.