Something kept me awake this past weekend.

It's the feeling you get when you've just gotten earth-shattering news--good or bad.
You're afraid if you close your eyes, you'll wake up and have to relive the news all over again, which you can't possibly bear if the news has been painful. Or, you fear if you let yourself sleep, when you wake up it will be gone and it will have all been a dream, if the news has been "too good to be true."

This isn't the insomnia I've grown accustomed to. This elusive newness has followed the sun, throughout my days. And it's not the effects of exhaustion and fatigue. In fact, overall I've had more energy.

Over the last couple days it became clear something big was happening!
But I couldn't put my finger on its source!
This blind spot didn't sit well with me!

After decades of working for progress, I had to know what was producing movement in the boulder of my being.

Recently, in a conversation with my husband to brainstorm my current condition, he confirmed even he's noticed heightened characteristics about me. He reported I seem to be more vibrant and focussed, in general, day-to-day. Especially at night... after dinner, after all the chores, and after my young daughter is finally in bed. While normally I veg out, motionless, in front of Netflix for the remainder of the evening, instead, for the past two weeks, I've promptly announced I have work to do, and bolt to my studio.

After my husband shared his observations, I told him how I've been showing up in my studio, whole-heartedly working. That I've hired myself for this job of showing up, and that my heart is opening up in the process. I can sense myself changing rapidly, and simultaneously, deeply. That it's a real-deal job I take seriously. I'm completely committed, and I'm not going to give up on my vision of wholeness. I explained that other than that, I had no idea where it was going to lead, but that I was feeling more fulfilled. I could feel an unexpected boost in my confidence, even though experiencing all this was scary. I was proud to be owning my brave. I explained I'd been keeping my new position under wraps for the last couple weeks...to get through my "new-hire" probation period, so to speak.

(Announcement: I'm staying on, so I'll be back tomorrow! )

But, I still couldn't connect what's changed about life.
Why is my life experience blatantly different when nothing about it actually is?

I don't have more money or time to work with than before.
The open conflicts that weigh on my heart are yet to be resolved.
This journey is still almost solitary, to my knowledge.

So last night, as I prepared to embark on my search for sleep, I quietly spent some time with myself in the darkness.
I noticed even the darkness has changed!

Nearing midnight, I itched to be busy in my studio, writing.
And, the typical heaviness in my chest was missing!
So unsettling!
What in the world was going on with me?
Was I about to die? This peace so out of place!
I did just have a legitimate scare a couple of months ago, after all.

I worked through a few more possibilities in my mind...

And as I laid there, scanning this unfamiliar quality about my existence, the answer descended, clear as day, floating straight down from the corner of the ceiling I gazed upon.

There it was, the answer, the news:
This is the first time and place in my life I have not been looking for an escape! For a way out!

In fact, it's quite the opposite!
I look forward to going in, showing up everyday, consistently! I anticipate it, and crave for it! I know I'm going to be there. Without a doubt, living my best life, willingly present and vulnerable, sharing my love and passion for creative healing with as many people as possible. Starting with...myself.

My fingers touched the truth! I hugged this revelation like a real-life, long lost friend!

My whole life I've lived for the escape, doubting my ability the whole way! My focus was always to get OUT, for which I sometimes succeeded! But each escape from danger and despair just rolled into another thing or situation I eventually needed out of. With 20/20 hindsight, it never gave me a chance to focus on anything life-giving! It was a constant back-cycling.  I was so focussed on getting myself and/or my oldest daughter out alive, I somehow always ended with less of myself, and less to offer in the end.

Out of an abusive home.
Out of abusive relationships.
Out of deadening jobs.
Out of unhealthy environments.
Out of disease.
Out of pain.
Out of hell.

But now, the shift is that it's all about going IN. Moving forward!
And it's within me to get there!

Into healthy relationships.
Into the Great Unknown.
Into work that produces light.
Into wholeness.
Into hope.
Into life.
Into love.

And it turns out this news is earth-shattering to me! My response has been warranted!
But, I uncannily feel like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz!
Please excuse me while I step into my back yard...

The thing is...This is the end of the classic tale, and I'm only on Day 11!

I have no idea what comes next!!!

I hear the voices in my head of people who have abused me as I near entering this new phase of my life still waiting to be named.
They try to hold me back.
But I wear the Ruby Slippers.

There is no stopping now.

Maybe I don't know what's ahead a mile down the road. I don't even know what lies two heartbeats into the future, but I trust there is more work to be done.
This path calls for me to level up, and it is not my job to be weak in my response, for the comfort of others, or myself.

This is about so much more than me.