I am running so hard from myself. I have been running for weeks.

It's just hard to be here. It's hard to be anywhere.

I painted a few hours in my studio today, working on the painting I started earlier this week.
It was disappointing because I had to stop, just as I was really starting to connect.

My thoughts have been really jumbled when I try to show up.
I don't know where I need to be.
I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel a calling to sit outside in nature. I don't know how I've let so much time pass since I was on a real dirt trail.
I need something more than me. I need an encounter in another kingdom.
Maybe I do know where I need to be.
I'm just scared to be there.
When I show up in nature, the unknown often makes itself majestically visible.

The unknown comes in the stillness. It lets me know I'm not alone.
And I'm scared of it.

I'm scared I'm failing at this.
It got so real, so fast, for me.

I didn't know what to do when I started to feel like I wasn't on this trail, alone.

I wonder if this is what makes me push the Light away.

I want the closeness, but I don't know how to to have it.

Like food, like....beer. Like all the good I keep from myself.

The scariest thing is to have what I want.

And when it seems like the Light is telling me it's ok to have what I want, I just don't know what to do with it.

Could it be, simply...Love it?

When I have studio time, lately I've been having to talk myself through it.
It's so wonderful to have time to paint and connect. I love being in the studio so much.
I created a studio space in my home that I love. I worked hard to put it together, but it's still hard to allow myself in.

When I'm painting, the energy is flowing well, and I start to relax, something starts running in the background of my mind telling me I can't be here. I've been responding to that message, saying, "No. It's ok to be here, healing. Not everybody has this, and I wish they did. I might not have it forever, but it's here now and it's ok to be here, in this space, doing what I love, feeling at peace."

Just love what I do, and share it with others?

I feel the same way when people are nice to me. It's scary.
In my head it's like it can't be happening.
I definitely prefer when people are nice, rather than not-nice. Not-nice people are scary too!
Between the two, I'd pick the nice-people kind of scary, any day.
But, fear keeps me forming relationships with anyone.
What if I'm not good enough to be with nice people?

Just love the people, and don't worry about the rest?

I've been beating myself up for talking about beer yesterday, because maybe that was bad?

Just love that something so simple as a single beer could bring me joy, and forget about judgments?

So many running loops in my head, with no end.
I feel like I might need to take a week off trying to talk.
Purely speak through other creative means, without trying to make sense of it.
Paint, clay, music, photography, movement, even poetry.

Art feels like the the way to step forward, in this moment.
It gets twisted up inside me the least.

I'm going to process, listen, reset, and connect.

Linear thinking isn't my strong suit right now.
I've been pushing myself into it, and it's just all wrong.
I'm in a wordless place, and I need to honor that.

If words come, they come.
If they don't, it doesn't mean I'm not showing up.

It's like the journey is giving me the experiences and challenges I need to progress.
Deep inside it's what I want, I know, because it's terrifying.
I'm going to be brave, work on accepting it, and let the journey nourish me.

***

This is the painting I started two days ago. It is still in process, and has a long way to go.
Click on the image to see the in-process progression of this painting, so far.
The first and last image in this slideshow is where it stands at the time of this posting.