Welcome to the view from Sunday!

Yes, I show up every day.
I just don't usually show up here every day, on weekends.
But "here" is moving and fluid, so I am always here in some sense.

This is a real journey to me, and I'm on it 24/7/365.
I don't know if it started out that way. I never thought I'd make it this far.
I feel like I've failed at so many things that meant the world to me, and that I put my whole entire self into.
Somewhere along the way I stopped believing I could do anything.
I didn't really believe I could do this, but I figured there wasn't a lot left to lose from where I was just a little over a month ago.

***

I thought when you got to be my age, people would stop hurting you, because you'd be a grown up, then.
I'm not in my 20's anymore.
I think I had some grace for myself to become a better, stronger, more capable person up to a certain point.

I thought I'd have this all figured out way before now.
Maybe it was just mere tenacity and inability to give up.
Whether will or faith,
I had the stamina of youth.

But one day...it was all gone. I don't know the exact day or hour. I have my ideas. (One day I'll share about those, too, because there's even more to this story.)

The absence of whatever it was that kept me believing in my life has eaten away at the core of my spirit. Pain and fear got inside me and took over.

I've always believed in God.
I didn't grow up in a traditional faith, but
for the longest time, even when things were hard, I believed God had my back.
Even when bad things were happening, I didn't feel alone or forsaken.

Bit by bit, things changed.
Time continued and more and more things happened.

They're still happening today.
Different things, but the same things.

"Things."
"Stuff."

***

What is worse than abuse?

Hate.
Hate is worse than abuse.

I've experienced both, and while they often go together, I think they can be separated.
Unfortunately, it seems they pair well, and that's how they're often kept.

I think abuse can sometimes occur even when somebody doesn't know what they're doing.
In Maya Angelou's autobiography, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," there is a quote, "Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better."

I think repeated abuse is generally not an accident, or an unknown infliction of pain.

At Dictionary.com, hate is defined:

verb (used with object), hated, hating.

1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

Now, I don't know if the people who continue to hurt me so much hate me, or not.
It's not always so easy to sort out.
They often say they love me, and that's where it gets messy.
To make it even more complicated people rarely do "all good" or "all bad" things.
It would be a lot easier if things were cut so cleanly.
And some of the messed-upness has been in place for so long, it is hard for anybody to identify it as unacceptable.
Even after it's identified.

As late as last month, I still maintained relationships with people who didn't respect my boundaries, came into my home and verbally assaulted me, held me hostage on my own property, and mocked decisions I make for myself and my life.

What is love?

I'm almost 36 years old, and yes, these things are still happening in my life.

I don't care what it's called. It doesn't matter what it is.
What continues to "happen" is not ok anymore. It never was ok.

I'm saying, "No. More."

I won't hide from the source of my creation anymore.
I will not be the keeper of the wounds and scars in darkness.
No more running from myself and The Light of the Great Unknown when what I am running from is "them."

Yes, it's scary.
Healing, and exposure to the light, hurts ferociously.
It is hard to see so much destruction.

It's taken a long, long time to get to this.

In my 20's I recognized things weren't going well, I could identify the way things were didn't feel right. But, for the longest time I thought it was because nobody knew better. There was hope in that. And I still believed if I was a better human, the rest would improve too.

But 16 years later, my hope for being able to stay in relationship with those who have repeated disregard for my life, is no more. Even when they are sometimes, "nice." Even when they give me money. Even when...anything.

IT'S NOT OK. ANYMORE.
Ever again.

I'm going to talk and connect with people.
I'm going to keep my eyes open and look into other's eyes.
I'm going to re-learn how to pray. I'm going to let go of the shame and be ok being on my own for a while, without the predictable pain.
I'm going to find my breath. I'm going to fall down on my knees in thanks for this life I was given to live and show up for EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Weekends, included. Especially weekends! I'm going to laugh again! I'm probably going to have a beer every once in a while, even if it's not even beer with alcohol content, because I'm going to find so much joy in being in relationships.

It's ok to be happy.
And love doesn't always have to be so confusing.
I'm not the most evil person to ever walk this earth.

And I CARE. Oh my God, do I care.
I care about people!
I care about how people feel.
I care about the condition of people's mind, heart, and soul.
Even, and especially, the ones I have to say "no more" to.
Because I love you.

I just know better now, than to stay.

I'm starting to care about and love me, too.
I'm not perfect, and I still want to be better. I want to make life better for myself and the people I can reach, who are receptive. Who do not taunt me, who do not jeer at the suggestion that I hold love within my soul.

It's not my job to be weak to make others feel better.
Killing myself is not the answer. It never was.
It never will be! Not in the sense of stopping my heart.
My heart has some important stuff to do, and it's going to be beautiful.

Jesus died for me, like he died for everyone else.
And I know I'll be laughed at for saying this.
But I'm ready.
Dear God, I'm ready.

It's taken most of my life to get here, and know what it meant.

"A Risk of Faith" Mark 5: 21-34

Mark 5:34: Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague." (The Message)

or

Mark 5:34: He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." (New International Version)