This is a Lifelong Song...

Welcome to day 4 of "Psych Out" week.  

At least it's formed into a proper theme?

The first three passionate weeks of showing up has caused barriers I didn't even know I had, to melt.  

I'm flooded.  I want to let it all out.  I want the timeline to stream out of my lips until it can pull me into Now.  Currently, I'm wound up in the middle of a knotted wad of history.  For something melted  to be wadded, it would have to be pretty dense!

It's how I feel!

I'm ready to step forward.

Tangled,  showing up every day feels too slow and not enough.  
Flow gets blocked.
Panic sets in the moment I connect my fingers to my voice, and attempt to place letter after letter into something coherent here.  
This is the forward-stepping, psych-out dance.

***

Today, when I told my wise-beyond-her-years, and extremely intelligent, hair artist/stylist friend about my difficulties to move and progress here recently, she said, "Oh, ok, so you're sitting on your voice?"

I suddenly felt my voice squirm beneath me!
She is right!
In less than 5 minutes she could see and name it!   

I've been depriving my voice of sleep, starving it of food,  doing anything to keep up the dam.
Not necessarily purposefully, but because me and my muse, the Light, are at odds.
Or....ok fine, I'm at odds with my muse.  My muse is just waiting for me to quit objecting to its help.

And what do my objections sound like?  Fear. Shame. FEAR.  

 Even I can see my methods are backwards.
The sun just keeps shining away, whether I like it or not.

As if I ever could be in control.


Maybe I need to start writing my story from inside a cabin, away from everything, positioned so the light gets in. But with a marked and open path here for updates and connection. Write my soul through the dark canal to find my way back--to bring myself to the beginning of life, my dreams and vision, with Peace and Love.

To breathe.
To be like water instead of fighting it.

After yesterday's update  everyone has seen where fighting the flood gets me.

But all hail, the captain lives!  
Be like the flood! Flow!
Unstoppable!

The reality of my current experience with water might call for being more like Andy Dufresne in his escape from prison in the movie, Shawshank Redemption, ha!  But, seriously!

***

In addition to near-death encounters in water, I've also been painting, thank the Lord!
Where the fight of my will ends, creative healing begins.

Earlier this week,  my 4 year old daughter was looking at my last painting of a bird, titled "Shadow in Flight, Entering Light." Her response to it was that I should draw eggs!   

I thought her take on it was cute, but gradually the truth and energy of her comment has been hitting me. And,  I get the feeling the image of a nest is finding it's way forth!  

I've been kept separate from my own life story for so long, and it's like every day I'm nesting for its pending birth.

No wonder I'm all intense and whacked out about things.

I cried during my last painting session.  Another "something new!" in the studio!
It's not that I've never felt like crying when I'm making art before, but before I'd stop it cold. 

Here's the latest on my most recent painting in process (click the image to view the process updates)  The first and last image are where the painting stands at the time of this posting.  It is still in process! :

It's been an extra busy couple head days on the trail, so...two songs to express my dedication to showing up with my heart!  :)  And because...singing and dancing! <3

I Will Not Give Up the Ship

"Don't Give Up The Ship"  



I thought I had it.  

Grace.

All day going strong.


Now, revoked?

Night falls, and I am me again?


In another draft I spoke about God.

But now, it is gone.


So another day....

Another day.


When I'm quieter, and have less to say.

Words will win. 

It never feels fair to lose.


Tonight I will grow gills.  
Tomorrow I will show up from the bottom of the pond. 
 

Tuesday Tunes Day, "War in My Head" by Ancient Mariner

Music is a huge part of healing and the creative life, for me.  I know I'm not alone in this.  
It seems fitting to have a day completely dedicated to music, once a week.

It's a way to honor this medium, the artists who share their passion in this far reaching way, and the people who come together and connect through it.
 
I love finding new-to-me music and bands... from unearthed classics, "dork ditties" (if Shakespeare can make up his own terminology, so can I,) and kids songs... to underground sounds so deep they haven't even surfaced into YouTube, yet.  

The other side of me loves the old standbys of my youth. Or the songs that transport me to any other significant time, place or person. 

Then, there's The band, Cloud Cult, which trumps all....

If anything, I hope having a day specifically dedicated to music I connect with, in some way, will be a reminder to take the time for yourself to find your own songs.  
The ones you know so well within you, and the ones yet to be discovered or let out.

Enjoy!
  

***

About this week's Tuesday Tune pick:
Ancient Mariner
"War In My Head" 
lyrics


The trail is never as easy as it seems. 

I'll do everything I can to keep it real here.

The Only Way Out Is Simple

It's one of those "conversation days" in my head.

Some might call it brainstorming, but it's a little different than that.  It could even be a lot different than that!  I'm not sure it matters.  Just that there's been a lot of activity inside the old noggin all day.  

My thoughts have been like mischievous little Hobbits running around in a party scene!  
Impossible to catch and carry, causing turmoil across the scene!  But you know, watching them, they can't carry on with their trouble-making forever.  

I'm confronting my life,  and what's been in it.  A lot of hard stuff.  I'm actively dealing with it, but at the same time stuff is on temporary hold.  
I guess I'm referring to this as "stuff" right now because of that hold.

Some internal reasons for this hold may be issues I carry about acceptance, grace and self-love.
Then, there is the difficulty of keeping all the fragmented pieces of life in one place long enough to process.
There are also challenges outside of myself.
I'll work my way through these things.
It's tempting to skip  over these parts of the trail, but then, if I did, this would be an entirely different trail than the one I've chosen and committed to.  

I've chosen the trail of vulnerability, bravery, revelation, and light.
It is the trail of connection and creativity.  
On this trail, I don't get left behind.

If I didn't stick with these things, I don't think I could even make it to the end of this week.

I may not be free to speak my story today. 
But, today, I can paint my connection to life.  I can make things that have a voice.
I can show up every day and write about the journey of getting from where I am, now, to my "there" vision. 

Nobody that I know  starts out finished, unless they aren't going anywhere.  
Usually, some struggle is involved, even for people who have grown up with a solid foundation of love and support beneath them.

We are all in this together.

***


Just last week I purchased a t-shirt with an inspirational hand-lettered message on it, directly from  Sean McCabe, the person who stoked joining my passion with this connection. He inspired my first daily post, and my commitment toward showing up here, in this way, on the trail.  

The words on the t-shirt simply say, "THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH."  
  
I trust the message, in part, because of its simplicity.

I've also looked at a picture on my therapist's wall for years that says, "Simple is Beautiful."
It's  paired with another statement piece that says, "Do What you Love."
I have been hoping and praying for thousands of days,  one day I could say something about those two statements becoming a part of my story.

I've been showing up on this trail, in therapy and other ways, for a long time.
It's prepared me to be here, together, with you.
This isn't just my art path.  This is my healing path.  

This is my life path.

I think I'm on the right track.  "Showing Up" messages are coming together in beautiful ways.
 
The focus is on facing forward, progressing into the Light where all life flourishes.

I am a firm believer in turning all things for good, no matter what.

But this takes work.  And TONS of showing up, I gather.  Probably,  for the rest of forever.
There is no end.  Isn't that kind of the beauty of it, though?  

***

Today, I had a little time in my studio to begin a new painting!

Like the last painting I presented, it is also still in process!
My time was limited, so I didn't get too far into the conversation with it today.  Right now I sense a stronger "setting" developing, whereas in my last painting the subject was apparent first.  So I'm anxious and excited to get back to what or who is living inside this one, or whatever else might appear!

I learned from my last painting to trust the process of staying with it more! 
To trust I could show up, connect, and be present with something more than for a span of a single session.  
This was new for me last time.

I also started taking photos from the first mark to bring you along for the ride! 

I'm thinking this one might take me 3 days, maybe even more!  We will see!  

Enjoy!

Making Friends with the Great Unknown

DONE!  

Ok, I'm not really done.  

With anything.

I'm hardly started.

But, it's Friday, and I've shown up for the whole last tally box of days, just like I said I would!   Sleep deprived, emotionally hungover, and basically still searching for clues of where I'm headed!

 
I feel amazing! Seriously, I do! More of this, please-Showing up on the trail, that is!
 The chafing, blisters, sunburn, and potentially life-threatening wildlife is so worth it!  

Today makes 15/730 + Forever, days of showing up!!!!  It just snuck up on me!  
Time flies when you're having fun, and not riding the time machine backwards! Whoop!

Celebrate good times! Cheers!

Welcome to my "It's All a Process" Party! :)
(Or, the "Nobody climbed Mt. Everest in a Single Day, but Just Getting to the First Basecamp is Quite a Hike" Party) :)  

Getting the hang of showing up is a process, and every milestone is a victory!  

*** 

Tonight, I have come to a finished (for now) place with the last painting in process I shared about here on Day 13.  I had barely gotten started where I left off before.
 

Today, I was able to spend some devoted time in my studio to continue the conversation with this painting.  

I'm going to let the pictures do the rest of the talking for tonight.  
Raw honesty...I'm wiped!

I have to tell you, I have probably never spent this much focussed time and attention on one single painting.  Make of that what you will.  I am slow at processing things in my life, but generally a speed painter.  

So the fact I spent 2 entire days on a single painting stands out for me.


I don't know what I think of this change yet, and it could take me 6+ months to come to a conclusion about how I feel about it.  Or maybe I'll be surprised and I'll come to a conclusion by the end of this discussion here!

I never know anymore.
Showing up as a  daily practice has turned my world on it's head.  The good news is I seem to be thriving with things all upside-down!  

I always like to try things out myself before I recommend it to anyone else, and so far, so good.
Showing up is gaining a good track record.  I hope to always be a practice-what-you-preach kind of gal.  This is probably why I don't preach much, ha!  But my goal is to steadily build my arsenal of worthwhile, helpful, healing, life-giving topics to spread the message about!
It turns out I love people.   (Friendly ones are the best!) And talking with people.  And knowing what I'm talking about!  I intend to prove this!

I guess this would make more sense if you knew how many times I've uttered phrases like:
"I don't even know what I'm saying."
"What was I just talking about?"  
"I don't even know why I'm saying this."
and just plain, "I don't know."
And sometimes (usually)...all these phrases are uttered in an empty room!

I don't know...you know? 
Just silly stuff.

***

SO, my painting!

I'll let you see the process for yourself.  
Below is a "slideshow" of the process this painting went through.  The first and last images of the slideshow are of the completed painting.


If you click through all the photos, you will be rewarded with seeing my cat, Sammy, who loves to spend time with me in my studio.  Because he loves me so much.  And because it's warm, and because dogs aren't usually allowed in it when I'm working.  But, mostly, Sammy shows up in my studio because he's my "Old Faithful."   He earned that honorable title years ago.  If Sammy could have a message attached to his life, I'm sure his would be "Show Up Every Day and Love Someone," too  He's the reason I believe in some form of reincarnation, I think.  Because he's not just a cat to me.  He's wise and empathetic beyond his years, and his years even in this life with me are not young.

Enjoy!

Title:  Shadow in Flight, Entering Light

24" x 24" on wood, Acrylic



 

Every Little Thing

I have to admit I've been dealing with a vulnerability hangover today, after yesterday's post.

I'm prepared for showing up being hard.  But maybe not hard, you know?  

It's important to keep reminding myself this is my vision of a good life, and what I'm choosing every day!

Preparation is a flimsy word that can save your life, but still not be what you want it to be in the moment.   Preparation doesn't necessarily make surviving something dangerous or scary feel easier. Protecting your vulnerable insides, your feelings, is more complicated. 
Dodge, deny or hide from a feeling that is unpleasant, and you're likely to lose them all.   

Preparation doesn't save us from the feelings of almost drowning, even if we stay afloat.
Here's a confession: I have panic attacks when I get in the deep end of a pool during adult swimming lessons.  I  have some familiarity here. 

But you have to give up the struggle.
Hold on to what's offering life, and let the rest go.  
You can be good and saved, but the struggle to trust can kill you.

So I'm sticking with this super uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability, and working toward trusting sleep for tonight.  Some amount of sleep deprivation is also probably playing into this feeling.

I need to master being psyched up without psyching myself out.

Gratefully, I was surprised with some Guatemalan Worry Dolls from my husband today!  They couldn't have found their way to me at a better time!  I'm a sucker for symbolism, tales and legends.  Legend has it, when you place a worry doll under your pillow at night the dolls will take your worries/nightmares away.

I'm considering making my own version of worry dolls, in the future!
If I do, I'll be excited to share them with you!  I'm thinking of using clay for the material! 
It's right up my ally in the creative healing department!  

About the hangover I have...I'm remembering now that even when it feels like you're going to puke your guts out and die, if you rehydrate, rest and take good care of yourself you can recover from a hangover in roughly 24 hours.  

Tomorrow is a new day! Thank God! 

One last thought before my head hits the pillow is this:  Every little thing probably is gonna be alright, but every little thing is not my problem, task, or responsibility. The only thing I need to worry about is showing up, consistently, with an open heart.

 Just keep showing up.  Let the rest be the rest, right?

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

It's about to get real.

Real...what?

Real messy.  Real vulnerable.  Real unpasteurized.
I'm real undone.   

Today is about process.  I don't have a finished product to present, literally or metaphorically.

What I have here is me in a scared-shitless state of giving all I've got, while stepping onto this journey of real-life.  

What this amounts to is me putting my heart and soul to work.
I've devoted a massive portion of my life to locating these back within my body to support my blood and bones.

I have a lot to lose.  My self.
But product?  I'm not so sure.  
My substance is about process. The process which my art making is about--being a fully-living human.
I'm betting my life on it I've got enough of that to last me the rest of my days.
And I have faith it will get me where I want and need to be.

There appears my path beyond the yellow brick road...the dirt trail.
 The undone dirt trail.

Are you in?  Will you join me?  
I offer no promises, other than I will keep showing up to see what comes next and next and next.
And when there is no next, I'll show up anyway, and wait.

I still don't know where this trail is going.  
I never know what will come next in my studio. 
And I don't know what will be made of me.
The truth is, I'm not sure I'd be interested in being here if I did.

I do know that I'll be creating, and when I create I'm bathed in light.
That light is my guide.

I'm willing to trust the process of being present every day.  I'm willing to not give up when things get hard.  I'm willing to listen, and let my intuition lead.   I'm willing to reach out for myself and others when it's right.

I'm willing to not be alone.

It sounds basic, but I've never really done this before.


In my panic for survival I  thought I had the answers.  
I thought doing everything myself was the wisest way.
I never trusted.  And light was terrifying.

I was a well-oiled machine, once upon a time, but stuck in the dark.

Then, piece-by-piece, without much movement and breath, I broke.  
I broke in so many different ways, so many different times.
But eventually, breaks multiplied right where a lesion already was.

 I almost died on the yellow brick road.  It served it's purpose, but it's no place to be forever.

***

I hadn't anticipated this conversation tonight!  I thought I was just showing up to share my studio process today.  Now I am getting to that, and not looking back or else I'm likely to delete everything above this! 

I typically complete most paintings in a single day, but today that didn't happen.   

Somewhere in the middle of painting I decided to start taking photos during the process.
I can't even tell you why.
I think it was an intuition thing.

So here it is!  Me and my painting today in all it's undone-ness!  

1) This is the first photo I took in the process, already several layers in.
 Unfortunately, I don't have a photo of the beginning of this painting, and the area that first interested me, which is in the space where the yellow is.
Initially, I started with red paint, and then removed some of it.  That area that is now yellow took the outlined shape of an anatomical heart.  I kept this area exposed as I added additional layers into the painting.
When I turned the board a different direction, the heart shape began to look like a wing shape.

Hard to explain in looking at this photo, which is why I should start taking more photos of my paintings in process!

2)  You can see I filled in with more red, and added to it.  The shape is taking the outline of a bird. 

3)  Added more to the background. Exploring the bird's environment, beginning to connect deeper with the emotional content/story of the bird.  I think this is why I didn't finish this painting today.  I spent a long time sitting in silent "conversation" with the bird.  We're still not done talking. ;)  Also, a little hard to translate this process in writing still!  I will work on articulating this in the future! 

4)  This is the last photo taken, and where this painting currently rests.  I began to add more into the background/environment.  Added a thin wash layer of blue.  This painting is nowhere near finished, and I will bring you along for the rest!  

Much like me, I have no idea about the ending, but there is constant conversation in my mind about it.  Even when I am not in my studio in the actual act of painting or creating I am thinking about it, "conversing" with it.  This involves asking lots and lots of questions, with equal amounts of listening which, of course, can be the challenging (and fun) part!  

But mostly, I'm craving to be back in front of of this piece having the conversation in paint!

I Opened My Eyes

One of the best things about my job is being able to listen to mind-blowing music by beautiful artists as part of my work.  This song captured me today, giving me a breath of fresh air as I step deeper into this journey.  But it's the story I unearthed after discovering it that I need to share.

I hadn't heard this inspiring band before tonight.  The music touched me so much I decided to dig deeper into it's depths.
I solemnly present the late singer/songwriter of Sparklehorse, Mark Linkous.  


In this BBC interview (at 4:37) he says, "If I wasn't able to articulate my feelings into some type of art, I think I would explode."  
 

Never Give Up.  Keep Showing Up.  You're beautiful and the world needs you.

My Heart's Desire

Something kept me awake this past weekend.

It's the feeling you get when you've just gotten earth-shattering news--good or bad. 
You're afraid if you close your eyes, you'll wake up and have to relive the news all over again, which you can't possibly bear if the news has been painful.  Or, you fear if you let yourself sleep, when you wake up it will be gone and it will have all been a dream, if the news has been "too good to be true."

This isn't the insomnia I've grown accustomed to.  This elusive newness has followed the sun, throughout my days.  And it's not the effects of exhaustion and fatigue.  In fact, overall I've had more energy.  

Over the last couple days it became clear something big was happening! 
But I couldn't put my finger on its source!
This blind spot didn't sit well with me!

After decades of working for progress, I had to know what was producing movement in the boulder of my being.


Recently, in a conversation with my husband to brainstorm my current condition, he  confirmed even he's noticed heightened characteristics about me.  He reported I seem to be more vibrant and focussed, in general,  day-to-day.  Especially at night... after dinner, after all the chores, and after my young daughter is finally in bed.   While normally I veg out, motionless, in front of Netflix for the remainder of the evening, instead, for the past two weeks, I've promptly announced I have work to do, and bolt to my studio.  

After my husband shared his observations, I told him how I've been showing up in my studio, whole-heartedly working. That I've hired myself for this job of showing up, and that my heart is opening up in the process.  I can sense myself changing rapidly, and simultaneously, deeply.  That it's a real-deal job I take seriously.  I'm completely committed, and I'm not going to give up on my vision of wholeness.  I explained that other than that, I had no idea where it was going to lead, but that I was feeling more fulfilled.  I could feel an unexpected boost in my confidence, even though experiencing all this was scary.  I was proud to be owning my brave.  I explained I'd been keeping my new position under wraps for the last couple weeks...to get through my "new-hire" probation period, so to speak.

(Announcement: I'm staying on, so I'll be back tomorrow! )  

But, I still couldn't connect what's changed about life.
Why is my life experience blatantly different when nothing about it actually is?  

I don't have more money or time to work with than before.
The open conflicts that weigh on my heart are yet to be resolved.
This journey is still almost solitary, to my knowledge.  

So last night, as I prepared to embark on my search for sleep, I quietly spent some time with myself in the darkness.
I noticed even the darkness has changed!
 
Nearing midnight, I itched to be busy in my studio, writing.  
And, the typical heaviness in my chest was missing!
So unsettling! 
What in the world was going on with me?
Was I about to die?  This peace so out of place!
I did just have a legitimate scare a couple of months ago, after all.

I worked through a few more possibilities in my mind... 

And as I laid there, scanning this unfamiliar quality about my existence, the answer descended, clear as day, floating straight down from the corner of the ceiling I gazed upon.

There it was, the answer, the news:
This is the first time and place in my life I have not been looking for an escape!  For a way out! 

In fact, it's quite the opposite!  
I look forward to going in, showing up everyday, consistently! I anticipate it, and crave for it!  I know I'm going to be there. Without a doubt, living my best life, willingly present and vulnerable,  sharing my love and passion for creative healing with as many people as possible.  Starting with...myself.

My fingers touched the truth!  I hugged this revelation like a real-life, long lost friend!

My whole life I've lived for the escape, doubting my ability the whole way!  My focus  was always to get OUT, for which I sometimes succeeded!  But each escape from danger and despair just rolled into another thing or situation I eventually needed out of.  With 20/20 hindsight, it never gave me a chance to focus on anything life-giving! It was a constant back-cycling.  I was so focussed on getting myself and/or my oldest daughter out alive, I somehow always ended with less of myself, and less to offer in the end.  
 
Out of an abusive home.
Out of abusive relationships.
Out of deadening jobs.
Out of unhealthy environments.
Out of disease.
Out of pain.
Out of hell.

But now, the shift is that it's all about going IN.  Moving forward!  
And it's within me to get there!  

Into healthy relationships.
Into the Great Unknown.
Into work that produces light.
Into wholeness.
Into hope.
Into life.
Into love.


And it turns out this news is earth-shattering to me!  My response has been warranted!  
But, I uncannily feel like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz!
Please excuse me while I step into my back yard...

The thing is...This is the end of the classic tale, and I'm only on Day 11!  

I have no idea what comes next!!!

I hear the voices in my head of people who have abused me as I near entering this new phase of my life still waiting to be named.
They try to hold me back.  
But I wear the Ruby Slippers.

There is no stopping now.

Maybe I don't know what's ahead a mile down the road.  I don't even know what lies two heartbeats into the future, but I trust there is more work to be done.
This path calls for me to level up, and it is not my job to be weak in my response, for the comfort of others, or myself.

This is about so much more than me.
 

Hell, and All I've Left Behind

Title: Hell, And All I've Left Behind

24" x 24" on wood, Acrylic and Oil

(This is my painting I shared about on Wednesday!)   

The playlist I listened to while painting was:
Band: Cloud Cult
1)  No One Said It Would Be Easy
2)  Chain Reaction
3)  You'll Be Bright
4)  Blessings
5)  Complicated Creation
6)  Take Your Medicine

***

I don't even know what to say.  To be without words seems like nothing new, but since I've started consistently showing up, my life is changing.

Walking the walk is treating me well!  
It's almost as good as believing that things can change and waking up to something different! 

Being present can be extremely painful and complicated, but I'm beginning to see it has comparable benefits on the flip side.

 I feel it, and I know these changes are real, even when I have back steps!

I'm learning to pay attention to my feelings.
Especially ones like these that have no name, and leave me speechless. 

If I had to guess my feeling today, it would be Awe.

Something is forming in me, being made and readied. 
It's like something that's been inside of me forever, but couldn't develop and grow.
Or something fully formed, but disowned.

It's form filled a coffin the shape of a universe.

***

Just two days ago, I shared about my relationship with the hated girl in a poem titled, "A Love Story."  She is the thriving child filled with energy and life who has been terrorized and trapped within me.

Well, today I believe Love can grow skin back on her fingers, strengthen her bones, cure our plague and help us meet in the middle where we get busy fleshing out this journey for all the beauty it holds, and for all the safe connection meant to surround it.

Even where it hurts.  Especially where it hurts.

This is the change I am talking about.  The new steps I am taking every day.

I'm earning my Brave with the help of others along the way.

 

***

There is still so much I don't know, and miles yet to travel, but I'm certain I have not come to this place on my own.

My favorite band, Cloud Cult, (but of course!) just released their highly anticipated album today titled, "The Seeker," and I got to listen to it for the first time ever, truly not alone, in an unveiling party!  :)  

I'm so grateful for the experience of not being alone while connecting to Cloud Cult's message.
It meant the world to me.   Living connection helped plant color into a hole, which before was only filled with the limited acceptance of black and white words that said I mattered.  
So maybe I really never have been alone.

Tonight I am not lonely, numb, or at war.
Presently, I even feel at peace with the Great Unknown.

I'm ready to be a little more graceful toward my heart, and the hell I've given myself. 

Lady of War

Title: "Lady of War"  

12" x 12" on Wood, Oil

Whew, my head is in a strange place today. 

In case you're wondering, this is not the painting I spoke about from yesterday.  This painting started out as a "mark-making" exercise with some oil paints I've had sitting around for a project I never got to...way back when I didn't show up every day.  

I used to be a writer.  
Maybe all the fumes from painting with oils is going to my Broca's area?  
It's another silent night.

Here's hoping a picture is worth a thousand words.

A Love Story

The continual call to be vulnerable plagues me.
I pray a sealed soul to cure my drive.

My grieved gut reveals the call denied
is from the child they killed, who never fully obeyed and died.

Rather than ceasing as advised, her heart rebelled and thrived.

Now I place flowers on her grave, attempting to calm her cries.
Unsatisfied, skinless fingers searching for release, dig and pry.
Tearing at my insides, she never gets far, but relentless, ever tries. 

The hated girl, committed to telling the story of love and life.  

***
 

Once again, I'm short on words, unless these count.  

I painted again today, but I feel a  need to sit with it, and myself, for a bit.   Showing up everyday feels like it is putting my life and journey on warp speed.  I need to find my balance. The pace that's right for me and/but keeps me connected with everyone else.  

I want connection so much, but when you've been in the dark so long it's not the easiest thing to reach for or trust.  I'm also naturally just an introverted type.  Showing up everyday and writing in a public space where maybe nobody is even reading feels like a big stretch! 

At the library I'm the one in the far corner who has built a make-shift fort around herself with piles of books and a bunch of personal gear, usually wearing earbuds even if there's no sound coming out of them.  I'm putting in fair effort on this hike just being here at all! 

But I want to be here.  Oh, how I really want to know you and talk to you.  If you only knew.  If only I was brave enough to tell you....

It's that "calling," you know?  It's scary and unavoidable.  
Believe me, I've tried avoiding!


My painting today was deep and imageless. I listened to my favorite band (which is saying a LOT because I love, love, love music) and got into the flow of life stuff.  I can't wait to look deeper into it and process where I am with it.  I try to remind myself it's only Day 6 or 7 or 8 and there's no rush to be somewhere.  But I've actually been at this for 35 years, and life...well, life. That's what it's all about, isn't it?  There are no guarantees.  We can just do the best we can to never give up and keep showing up....no matter what.
  
Tomorrow is a new day, and we will meet again.

I'll be here God willing, and the creek don't rise.
And, maybe I'll be here even if God isn't willing and the creek does rise?  

(Looks like I ended up finding more words than I thought I would.  Maybe there actually is something about this "showing up" gig.)



This is one of the Cloud Cult songs on repeat in my ears (and heart) for hours as I painted today.

Love Never Fails

I've been here for hours with words clamoring inside me, and simultaneously blankness.  Writer's block? Not-so-oddly,  my conversation for today is to be about a different kind of block I've experienced.  It might take more hours before these words make their way through, but I know they'll make it.

I am here.   I am showing up.  And I'm never going to stop.

How can I stop when Love doesn't?

Does Love ever let you off the hook that easy?

....

Shout for Joy!

Title: The First Time I Felt Joy, I Thought I Might Drown In It.

24" x 24" on wood, Acrylic and Mixed Media
 

Ah, it's good to be back on the trail!  I missed being here over the weekend, and it actually felt strange to not show up!  It was a welcome feeling, as it was a helpful indicator that I'm headed in the right direction.  Like licking your finger and holding it up to the wind.

 I'm still getting my bearings about myself on this journey.  But, come hell or high water, I'm showing up when I say I will!  
 

Today was another painting day in the studio.  

It's a challenge to put words to my paintings immediately after I paint them.   The reason I paint in the first place is because I often don't have words for my experiences.  Sometimes words or a narrative come later.  Or, I can speak freely about what color I placed where, and why, but in an emotionally removed way.      

This painting still has a lot of active layers, and still in process emotionally.  A few hours after I was finished and photographed it, a pink tear "appeared" on the girl's face.  

 

This painting speaks to the emotion of Joy feeling/being dangerous and scary when it is new.  It is the experience of not being sure if you can handle it, or if it can be real, or belong to you.  

Joy is a complex emotion for someone who has grown up and lived most of their life abused and traumatized.  

It seems like a painting with "Joy" in it would be more upbeat, but that doesn't mean I won't still shout for joy!  I count it a blessing to be anywhere in Joy's vicinity!  However Joy wants to be is ok with me; happy, sad, or mixed-up and complex. Joy is brave, and can be any way she darn well pleases. ;) 

 

The Day I Forgot...

Title: The Day I Forgot to Believe I was Bad, the Flowers Rose Up Out of Me Like Ghosts.

24" x24" on wood, Acrylic, mixed media

 Day 5, I finally got to paint.  This is what came of my studio time today.  I thought I was just going to post my painting and not actually talk, but now that doesn't feel right.  

As far as my painting goes, right now it's a little hard to put words to, other than what its title says.  I could talk about the technical aspects of it, but I'm not sure how to technologize sitting in front of a board with paints and letting what's inside come out.

I am processing a lot of things.  

There are things happening within me on both physical and emotional fronts right now, and I'm working to sort these things out.   About as open as I can be is to share my art.  So for today this is what I have to share.  

In many (many) ways I'm feeling the best I've ever felt, but in others...hard stuff. 

Sometimes a rest is good.

I can envision sitting around a crackling fire with bits of light conversation, but mostly that deep inward gaze a long day of hiking in the woods can bring you to, come nightfall.  

Did you see it?   The company I'm with is quiet, but I'm not alone anymore.  

We're all on our own journeys even if we're on the same trail.  We're all hiking our own hike, as they say.  

I'm good with that.  

My load has been heavy.  My back is really aching and I just need to sit with myself in this circle of friends.

How about you?  How's your week been?  I'm quiet, but I can listen.  I like listening.

As far as the plan goes: Today is Friday in my world and the traditional work week is coming to a close.  That doesn't mean I won't be showing up on the weekends.  But, it also means I might take some "0" days so I can keep steady for the next two years...and forever.  

Let's see if I can stay away, now that I've started.

I wholeheartedly love showing up.  

Who ever knew, huh?  

You are Here

Four days in, and I still don't have a clue what I'm doing!  

This is confidence, right?

The thing I do know is that in only 4 days of showing up, consistently, on this journey, I've already developed some sense of accomplishment.   It's just a bud of accomplishment, and I want a whole life filled with this feeling , so I'm nowhere near satisfied.  But it's a signpost.  It's nice to not still be at the trailhead, even if there's a long way left to go.

This is hopeful, scary, exciting, risky!  

Adventure!

 I've begun to look for myself to show up.  Now, when evening hits and I still haven't shown up, I don't start lining up the excuses.  The excuses are all still dependably there.

But now, I can't let myself down.
And deep inside, even if I don't see a lot of people around me yet, I know other people are on this trail with me.  I'm preparing the way for some, and striving to meet others up ahead.

I don't know what it is, or how to outline it yet, but what I am doing by being here every day is serving a purpose.  
 

Or maybe i know more than I think I do.

Or maybe I'm still on the cusp of trusting myself with where I am, and figuring out all the gear.

But I'm pretty certain about making it to day 5, alive.  

Day 4, Walking through the door towards my dreams.

Be Art <3 Be Transformed

Day 3.  I knew it was going to be a better day.  I could feel it in my follicles.  
 

Transformation takes time.

 Seeds take consistent tending and light to bloom into brilliant flowers. 

But sometimes...

a preview of what's to come,

the first bud of spring,

blesses you early.

(The hour you first believed.)

A sign of things to come.

Because they are within you already.


 

The Beginning and The End

This is what 730 Days/Two Years of showing up look like on paper.  

Day 2, I showed up.

Some days are an "I was here." day.  
 

I feel like I need a plan, but plans freak me out.  I'm not sure yet what my necessities are on this journey.  I don't really know what 730 days of showing up will end up looking like for me. I meant it when I said I have a long way to go. I don't know even really know what counts as showing up.  Does it have to be a finished product to present every day for the next two years?  I can't imagine pulling that off.  But what does that leave me with?

The JOURNEY....The TRAIL.

It leaves me a bit undone today.  A little raw, looking for a hiding space between the tally marks of days.

I'm looking for detractors.  For hecklers.  For someone anywhere to give me a clue how I'm doing, but all I have is me right now.  It's so wide open.  

 

I showed up in this wide open space.  I'm brave, alone, and capable.   

It's funny how when it's so quiet it feels like everyone is watching.   It's funny.
 Like a 6th sense.  Or like I'm just crazy.  Both of these will probably come in handy on this adventure.  
 

But here it is in black and white, and not just my imagination.

HEATHER WAS HERE.

Every Day is a bit like a choose your own ending story, and I am NOT giving up.

This is just the beginning.  I didn't fight to get here to not make it out alive.

The only thing dying now is loneliness and despair.

Day 3 is less than 24 hours away and day 730 is right around the corner.

Hope does not always giggle.
But it survives.
 

I Have Promises to Keep...

What does it look like to show up every day?
What does it look like to show up every day for TWO YEARS?  

These are the questions I'm asking, and what I'll be answering over the next 730 days.

These questions are directly inspired by Sean McCabe of Seanwes.

Sean says you have to show up, consistently, for TWO YEARS before you can expect to see results from your efforts.  

 I've listened to this repeated message from him for at least two years, and then carried on making excuses, whether heartfelt and reasonable or not, continually committing to see myself as valueless.  Not even worth my own time!  

And you know what...that just plain sucks.  And it's not true about me!
Especially now, since today I'm ready to be somewhere else in my life, and I'm not.

For over two years I have been following  Sean McCabe, a hand lettering expert, online.  But Sean isn't just an expert in hand lettering. He's an expert in inspiration and spreading hope to fellow creatives.  One thing he repeatedly implores his audience to do is show up every day to do the creative work they are  passionate about, no exceptions.  Do yourself a favor and personally check out his podcasts and videos, because the spirit behind his message is infectious!

While I initially found his site because I had an interest in hand lettering, and wanted to learn more, I have continued to follow his work for a completely different reason.  

It turns out hand lettering is not entirely my thing.  My primary focus is more on arts as a therapeutic and sociological force.  I'm interested in psychological healing, alleviation of poverty, and the exploration and promotion of freedom in all forms.   But, I continue to receive his email updates and listen to his podcasts because he inspires hope, and to believe in the goodness in life,  humanity, and myself.  Our passions and goals actually converge right on point, it seems. He inspires me to not give up when things seem daunting.  He boldly describes what he offers as fiery inspiration, and he follows through.   

Not giving up on the good in life has been one of my primary goals since I was born.  It's easy for me to completely agree with the things he shares, and want to follow all of his suggestions for success.

And yet, sometimes it's still so hard not to want to give up!   

Why!? Why!?  Why!? 

How does that happen?

Well, things happen.  

I show up, but nobody else does. I bare my soul and nobody seems to care.

Or...

I show up with an army of excuses not to do the work, some extravagantly dressed a Reasons to skip a day: Illnesses, legit responsibilities, financial or physical hinderances to my projects and ideas.

In the last year alone, within my immediate family, there have been:

5 emergency room visits

3 hospital admissions (2 which lasted 5-7 days)

1 emergency surgery (internal bleeding for yours truly)

1 urgent, unplanned surgery (completely blocked kidney!)

3 day surgeries (one is scheduled for today!)

3 separate house disasters (plumbing issues!)

4 herniated discs causing severe debilitation (hello floor)

1 diagnosis of degenerative disc disease (regrooving the dream)

and...last, but not least, 

Numerous emotional traumas and dramas.

There might actually be more items for this list, but my brain is a little fried!

SO many fair reasons to be absent from my creative work, right?

***

All these things combined have the potential to head off feelings of worthlessness and overwhelm.

In fact, there is a (***) break in my writing because I was interrupted first thing this morning to get to an unplanned appointment with the dentist.  

So yes, an urgent trip to the dentist + day surgery for my husband today!  Then, the regular business of life where "busy" is a base point. 

Things can become overwhelming, and given the circumstances it's reasonable to let the "unnecessary" go.  

But dropping the  unnecessary ball on myself has been my problem for too long.
I might not be able to take a vacation from my problems, but I CAN reenter my studio and sit with myself for as long as it takes to connect again.  

Connection is where life is.
Connection is not always easy or pleasant every step of the way.
Connection to and with my life/creative force IS necessary.  

Back to Sean's lead...Every Day.

It is necessary to show up to work every day, lest you lose it all.

So here I am!  I made it!  Yes, it's day one.
It was hard!
This is scary and vulnerable.
My post isn't perfect. 
I haven't really said anything new.
It's going to take some time to get comfortable with my voice.
It's probably going to take a while to find an audience.
There is a long way to go!  

But two years on a journey take a lot longer, and get you nowhere, when you're not brave enough to take the first step onto the trail.  Looking at the sign post isn't going to get me where I want to be.  

I might be the only one that reads this.  But you know what?  I'm proud of myself, and I like myself just a little bit more just for being here.  And that's a pretty award winning feeling, right there.  

I earned some hustle credits! 
  
As long as I get at least this far every day,  I have faith I'm going to be shaking Sean's hand in two years at a creative conference or meetup like I told him I would in a Facebook comment yesterday.  He said he'd be there, so I better keep myself in gear.

Sean shows up when he says he will.  

I have a mentor to meet, and my word to keep!  

Keep On Rollin'

I can't explain to you what art means to me here. (Because "pretty much everything" is a lot to put in one single trail journal entry.) 

I can tell you that people are where art is and that art, in it's highest form, brings people together, even if together within themselves.  

I might be getting myself into a bigger discussion here than I'm intending, but it's hard for me, personally, to separate people from art.  And, frankly, I never want to!  

Art + People = Life.  And I love life! 

Art has been my number one preferred method of communication  from the time I was a little girl first able to access it.  For some years I didn't communicate in the flesh much at all, but I was always creating in my mind.  I utilized as many art materials as I could think of and spoke to (and with) as many people as I could imagine.  

I was never alone.  

But in recent years I have found myself oddly lost and lonely the more this dirt trail journey has brought me to myself.  What was in my mind was also in my heart and I wanted to open it all up to the world, not just myself.

There's a story to how this all came to be and lots of reasons for the necessity of it all that someday I may work out enough to speak or write out in traditional forms, but for now I'm just so happy and thankful to be able to create real art in the company of other like-minded and like-hearted souls.

Recently, I was guided to the Belger Art Center and Red Star Studios in Kansas City, Mo and have had the blessing of becoming a shared studio member.  It's new to me.  A little (ok, a lot!) scary, but only fittingly so.  It's exactly what I've been looking for.  It's like my vision for life appearing before me in full realized form.  Some very special people have been putting this in place for years, and I didn't even know! 

A studio.  A home.  A space to share.

A place to grow a little more skill in bravery and love for the journey.

They made a space for me!  When I went for the orientation tour I was told I'd have my name tagged on a shelf just like everyone else there! 

I have a lot to process and a lot to learn.  I always do, but especially now!

I trust what needs to be unearthed will work it's way out through my hands deep in clay; through challenging myself to continually show up for myself and others, even on the days it feels impossible.

I'm digging in.  I'm reaching out...up, over, through and beyond.

For now, I give my voice over to my fingertips and the universal language of life and light in all the various forms it takes through the process of art.

And just in case it's been a while since I mentioned it: Never Give Up.

I knew it had to happen
Felt the tables turnin'
Got me through my darkest hour

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